Public Statements
The Kear Stevens phenomenon has piqued the interest of a small but highly visible cross-section of the American public, many of whom have not publicly aired their opinions or ideas until now. Below are the attributed statements of a sampling of these individuals.
“David Ogilvy, Al Ries, Leo Barnett, Dan Weiden, Pat Fallon, Seth Godin and Jack Trout have nothing over Kear Stevens. There, I said it. Now can I have that five bucks?” – Man on a Denver streetcorner
“Kear-izzle Stevens-shizzle are in the hizzle wit my nizzle. You dig.” – Member of Snoop Dogg’s entourage
“Kear and Stevens? Do I know them? Maybe I had a three-way with them in that Rio hotel room during Carnival. But I’m not sure. Wow, these shoes make my feet look fat.” –Paris Hilton’s inner voice
“I'm someone who had a deep emotional attachment to ‘Starsky and Hutch.’” – former U.S. president Bill Clinton, who may have confused “Starsky and Hutch” with “Kear and Stevens”
“Stunning … breathtaking … an absolute joy to behold. These guys really know how to draw you in by creating a world of wonderment and excitement. Not to be missed!” – Kirkuss Reviewws
“I believe that they’re just plain brutish and should be stopped at once. I mean all those harmless deer slaughtered for no good reason whatsoever. What? Oh, you said Kear Stevens. I thought you said deer seasons.” – Unidentified PETA official
“Everyone should use Kear Stevens. They’re the best advertising agency in Denver, Colorado, if not the world. I mean, what fool would hire another ad agency when they could hire Kear Stevens. Geesh.” – Rumored supplier to Kear Stevens of printing services and materials
“I’m pretty sure we toured with Kear Stevens in 1974, along with Black Oak Arkansas and Blue Oyster Cult. In fact, think we tried to recruit their drummer.” – Nigel Tufnel, guitarist from Spinal Tap
“In my opinion, Kear Stevens is just a bunch of young punk kids who should have their f@%#&#% ears pinned back and their heads slapped around a little. Maybe that’ll knock some sense into them for once.” –Ike Turner
“If you write or publish anything slanderous, libelous or otherwise scurrilous about Kear Stevens, and I mean anything, anywhere, you’ll get slapped with a cease-and-desist as fast as you can write a check for damages. Kapeesh.” – Self-identified (but somewhat specious) legal representation for Kear Stevens
A Note About These Statements
IPECAAC and its affiliates cannot be responsible for the accuracy or authenticity of the statements presented on this page or any other statements pertaining to Kear Stevens. Although we strive to represent the facts as best we can, we cannot be held accountable for any misquote or mischaracterization applied here, and we certainly won’t stake our reputation on what someone overhears someone else utter in a restaurant, bar, park or even, say, in a public bathhouse, fat farm or drug rehab clinic.
In fact, to the best of our knowledge, all statements set forth here are paraphrases, misquotes or pure fabrications that cannot be verified, which puts us on equal footing with practically every other news outlet in the world. So read these quotes with the same skepticism you reserve for magazines, newspapers and the Internet (and certainly all advertising) and you should be well served.