Alternative Theories

As you may have deduced from the Collected Documentation, many signs point to Kear Stevens being an advertising agency in Denver, Colorado. However, these findings were not conclusive and have left the door open for other theories and explanations as to the actual character of Kear Stevens. Listed here are a few of those alternative theories.

Theory A - Mob Front

What do advertising agencies, design firms, marketing consultants and public relations firms really do, anyways? All that “creative” collaboration and “strategic” consulting seems a bit too fuzzy and ephemeral. And where does all the money really come from? Designing print ads and Web sites? Yeah, right. It sounds a bit fishy to us.

Theory B – Movie Production Company

Merchant and Ivory. Simpson and Bruckheimer. Kear and Stevens? Before you immediately dismiss the idea, consider the similarities. Pitch meetings. Idea people. Target audiences. Scripts, storyboards, shoots. Ego management. Large projects. Tight deadlines. And to top it all off, lots of stress, caffeine and cocktails.

Theory C – Home Realtor

A name like Kear Stevens just screams real estate, doesn’t it? Plus we have witnessed firsthand the makes of cars in the lot at 1224 Speer Boulevard – Mercedes, Audis, Beemers – all realtor favorites. And as for smooth talkers, ad men and realtors rank up there with the best of them.

Theory D – Executive Search Service

Our surveillance of 1224 Speer Boulevard revealed many high profile Denver businesspeople entering and leaving the building, which can easily lead one to think that Kear Stevens is either a highly effective corporate headhunter, or they run a highly discreet escort service (for which we have found no evidence).

Theory E – Political Think Tank

What two disciplines could be more similar than politics and advertising when it comes to big promises and fanfare ad nauseam (pun fully intended). Throw in closed door meetings, scads of reports and studies, high-priced consultants and multiple agendas, and the two start to look almost identical.

Theory F – Millionaire’s Tax Shelter/Lunatic’s Fantasy

We all know advertising agencies a) publicly (and grossly) overstate their revenues to seem big and stable, b) are constantly hiring and laying off employees as revenues ebb and flow, and c) are always in fear of losing big clients, causing them to endlessly chase new ones. This all begs the question: Why would anyone voluntary subject themselves to this madness unless they a) don’t care about losing their shirt, b) are completely certifiable, or c) both? We rest our case.